"Male need to hide from women only natural". Well guess what - they want to hide, and sometimes we just want them to go away. But not when the dishwasher needs emptying, the laundry has been sitting in the dryer for a week, and the kids are screaming for dinner. With the recent release of James Twitchell’s book, "Where Men Hide", much debate has been sparked about why men disappear and look for quiet bonding places, either alone, or with their male compatriots. My husband attended an all boy’s camp for a month each summer, a tradition we have passed to our own 12 year old son. And the best part, according to him? "No girls." Probably in his case he means "No sisters and Moms", in particular. Anthropologists might suggest it is a remnant from the days when men felt a need to bond before entering a fight...this modern day observer would suggest that it is a new response to a world where men are expected to contribute towards the child rearing and domestic duties.
"Mom, can you help me put together this Lego castle?"
"Go and ask your Dad"
"But he just went into the bathroom...I can’t wait that long!"
Or how about this:
"Mom, can you take me and my friends to the mall?"
"Go and ask your Dad"
"But he went to the Home Depot and you know he’ll be there all morning."
Or even:
"Mom, wipe my bum!"
"Where is your Dad?"
"Mom, wipe my bum!!"
"Where is your Dad?"
"Mom, now the floor needs wiping too!"
(Dad is later observed crouching in front of his favourite bush in the backyard, rubbing soil between his fingers...for 27 minutes.) It’s not as though the men haven’t been pulling some of their domestic weight, but in the past it has been a reactive/defensive measure against their wives’ nagging, threats, and hold-outs. Now, they are expected to shoulder the chores, they are expected to "own" some of them. It’s simply too much. Recently when I commiserated with my own hide-away male about trying to keep a house clean with four children and a workaholic husband, he agreed to take on one task that I absolutely despised but was equally as necessary - changing the sheets for five beds. Naturally at the time we had this discussion about the chore, it needed doing, hence the top-of-mindness that it had for me (men may be surprised to discover that women do not have glamourous thoughts of cleaning and tidying with them at all times). The sheets stayed for at least another 3 weeks. Finally, I couldn’t take it (and frankly the hard pillowcases were a bit of a turn-off), and I washed the sheets. When he discovered I had done so, his reaction was "Oh I was going to do that." Uh huh. And the next night he brought home flowers. Score! While I hadn’t released this chore with any great success, I had succeeded in a very important and meaningful way...I had gotten him to take on the guilt of the chore, which is just as much "work’ as the chore itself. Now, if only I could find him, I’d get him to start scheduling the children’s summer camp programs...
Kathy Buckworth is the author of "The Secret Life of SuperMom", and "SuperMom: A Celebration of All You Do." Her new book, "Journey to the Darkside: SuperMom Goes Home" will be released by Key Porter Books in April, 2007. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com
